You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
