Do you still have your period?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
try to milk me bitch
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize