I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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