The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
