Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
