We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
