I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
