Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
