Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
