Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
