piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
