You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
