your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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