Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
