Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
