Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
