So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
