So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
