I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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