Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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