Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
