Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize