When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
