I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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