I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
