i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
