I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
What changed your mind?
Being sober
did you just send me my own nude
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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