I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
