Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
