suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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