i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
