Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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