the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
