and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
