How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
