Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
