matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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