she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
