I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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