Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
May the power of my ass compel you!!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
