guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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