are you still at the devil's house?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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