I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
