i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
