If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
