why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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