I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
