Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize