Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
