My sheets look like a crime scene.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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