I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
