It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
