cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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