I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
