i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
