I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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