Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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