I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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