apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
