Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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