Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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