fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
