Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
